Truly Free Original Audition Monologues for Actors: "The Bovine," a poetry reading by Farmer Peggy Ellen Poe

Friday, June 22, 2007

"The Bovine," a poetry reading by Farmer Peggy Ellen Poe

[A farmer's wife delivers a poetry reading. Age: Young to old adult female. Style: Think Ruth Gordon in 'Every Which Way But Loose." But again - use your imagination - you can drop the introductory speech. You can forget about the Ruth Gordon suggestion. For instance: Then the poem could be delivered using an upper-class British dialect. It can be done by either male or female. The version broadcast years ago on the Comedy Channel involved me playing an American farmer who delivered the monologue as an 'editorial rebuttal' and it was performed with a British accent.]

I heared the Federal boys comissioned some nineteen million dollars for to study on about how to stop my cows an' yours from making flat-you-lence. [flatulence] Yeah, well - I'll talk to my cows 'bout that. But for them federal college boys I'd like t' offer an opposing eddy-torial....An' - since they'se so all high and mighty what with their college ways - well - here's ma' reply in lang'age they'll all unnerstand -- [Clears throat - pauses briefly to indicate the title is coming - and then says -]

"The Bovine," by Farmer Gal Peggy Ellen Poe.

Once upon my milk farm – (dairy) - as I looked quite drawn and wary,
Over many a piece of federal mailings that had come unto my door –
While I nodded nearly napping
Suddenly I saw a wrapping
Round a letter was a wrapping lying neatly on my floor
‘T’is some junk mail,’ so I muttered, ‘- junk mail on my farm house floor
Only this and nothing more.

I picked up this junk mail sitting near my bag filled with my knitting
And proceeded to unwrap it when my jaw fell to the floor
In the flier was a bill passed
By the fed’s to study cows’ gas
‘Cuz it warmed the sky and melted ice that flooded our low shores -
Yes! It warmed the skies and melted ice that flooded our low shores.
Said the feds: Pass gas no more!

And I felt my heart a’ thumping just to think of my cows pumping –
Belching methane gas, enough to heat the air and cloud the sky!
And the thought that thermal heating
came from gas from grass they’re eating,
Was a thought that as a citizen I just could not ignore
But the thought of stopping methane posed a most unpleasant chore -
Yes – the thought of stopping methane posed a most unpleasant chore,
So - I started to read more

Yes, I read the farm bill closely ‘cuz my mind moves rather slowly,
When my eye was caught by something that my heart could not defend!
T’was the figure ‘nineteen million’
Made my color turn vermillion,
Had the congress finally lost its mind and gone around the bend?
Could the nineteen million truly be a figure they would spend?
Nineteen million be the dollars that our government would spend
Studying gas from cows rear ends?

Then the awful truth just hit me – what an imbecilic country
Spends that kind of money on a stupid project just like this?
And a rage just overtook me
As the sudden knowledge shook me -
“T’is not true!” I shouted as I raised my hand and clenched a fist –
‘T’is a joke that they are making - surely something I have missed -
T’is a sick joke they are making surely I don’t get the gist –
Surely - something I have missed.”

Then I heard a gentle tapping - at my window came a rapping -
T’was an agent from the EPA just begging to come in.
Through the portal came this mortal
Letting out a little chortle
Then he took a seat, removed his hat, and flashed an evil grin.
“Now what sends you here to see me?” I did quietly implore,
“Now what brings you here to bother me and come unto my door?”
He just grinned – and nothing more.

Soon he spoke and said the millions, spent to get thoughts and opinions,
Had resulted in a program that was guaranteed to cease
All the cows from popping methane.
Sir said I, ‘You can not be sane -
For a way to stop a cow from passing gas cannot be done!”
Barked the man, “I’m not here joking! - Not here joking having fun!”
And he told me of his plan, his stupid plan as my head spun -
For his plan had left me stunned.

Then he took a cork and hammer and explained just how to ram her -
How to ram my Guernsey, Holsteins - and the others making gas.
“He said take this cork and hammer
And just delicately ram her,
And you’ll save the North Pole and Manhattan all in one fell hit.”
And I thought of all the millions, spent by guys just like this twit
To devise a plan with corks, and theories how they should be hit.
Said I to him? “That’s bullshit!"

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Audition Tips

Some actors develop the character from the 'inside' to the 'outside.' But in preparing for an audition, prepare from the ground up. Use thought and care in picking your footwear. People wearing sneakers walk with a rolling bounce. They also tend to 'rock' on their feet while standing 'still.' Boots will give you more of a solid stance and their weight will change the fluidity of the movement of your legs as well as slightly lengthening your stride. They give men a more rugged presence and women an outdoor country girl appearance. Half heels for women and wingtips for men will keep the feet planted and avoid the bouncing and lightness associated with younger folks and less mature characters. Study the effects that different styles of footwear have on your posture, movement and stage presence. Match them to the character for which you are auditioning. Willy Loman never wore Nikes. Biff Loman never wore wingtips. Videotape yourself walking, standing, turning, and bending with every type of footwear you can lay your toes on. You'll be surprised how the feel and structure of different footwear styles effects your carriage and movement and helps you make that all important first impression you want to make on a director. Almost without exception - your footwear will be the most important initial choice you can make to improve your audition. ~ J. A.

Tip # 2: Memorize Pefectly And Go 100 MPH

Learn your audition pieces with letter perfect memorization. If you edit them, then learn them perfectly as edited. Have someone check you for EVERY single word. Do it over and over until you can say it perfectly - and I mean PERFECTLY - every time. THEN speak it as fast as is humanly possible. And again, have someone check your every word. When you can say it over and over again at 100 miles per hour - blindfolded - THEN you will find you have the freedom to say it at any pace you want and you will be totally confident and your performance will improve immensely. The reasons for doing this are many, but here's the primary one: When you are first memorizing a script or monologue, the tendency is for you to 'substitute' words here and there that are synonyms for the words you've replaced. It sounds o.k., but, subconsciously, your mind is aware that you have performed a substitution. When audition time or performance night arrives, your adrenalin will be pumping. Your nerves will kick in. At that point - with a little self-doubt coursing through your brain - you will hesitate when you come to the word that you have substituted. Something in your head will tell you that something's not quite right. And don't listen to any touchy-feely crap about 'over' memorizing! Perfect memorization does NOT kill spontaneity - contrary to what some clowns may tell you. On the contrary - perfect memorization gives you the confidence to pause - to let your character show him or herself 'thinking' and 'feeling' because you KNOW that the next words are absolutely there - at the tip of your tongue - available to you like a carpenter's tools arranged in his box - to be used with speed, leisure, and with any emotion you choose. I acted for several years before a director at the New Ehrlich Theater at the Boston Center for the Performing Arts made us all memorize our parts until they were 'letter' perfect. The boost to the entire cast's confidence - and in particularly my confidence - was palpable. We knew we could trust each other 100% and that gave us far greater freedom to bring realistic timing, pauses, reactions, and subtle shadings to our respective roles. Make absolutely sure that the person who rehearses you notes every single error you make and make that person correct you until you're driving that script like a Maserati at Le Mans.

Tip #3 - If You Don't Know Where To 'Place' Your Eyes - Your Hands and Feet May Grow Wings

A friend of mine - whom I'll call Tom - [whose real name was Albert, but I want to protect his anonymity] was a great 'techie' - a true artist with light design. Like most of us in theatre - he wanted to act. When I directed 'Death of a Salesman,' one of the minor characters had a heart attack [on-stage, opening night] and had to be replaced for the next night.
Tom volunteered. Tom was a great guy and a real trooper. However, when talking with anyone [friends, colleagues, women with whom he wanted a meaningless relationship] his hands were always flapping around and he was always rocking back and forth on his feet. Tom's problem wasn't his feet. It wasn't his hands. It was a problem with his eyes. He rarely looked anyone in the eyes when talking to him or her. I 'ordered' him to do all his lines while looking me in the eyes.
Immediately his hands became still - his rocking stopped - and his character became far more real. I have seen this phenomenon over and over. And, just as some actors MUST look another actor in the eyes to relax their random bodily movements and gestures - when an actor auditions, he or she should pick a person or focal point on which to keep his eyes. A 'thoughtful' or 'pensive' glance away is o.k. But, even if you have to pick an exit sign in the back of the room, pick something on which to focus. BEWARE: As a general rule, avoid focusing on the director or casting director. They may want to make notes and some find it 'disconcerting' to find themselves suddenly a 'part' of your audition scene. If you are a person whose gestures regularly are found in mid-flight around your face - and whose stance resembles that of a sailor trying to gain his balance - rehearse while focusing on the eyes of a friend. Have a third-person observer watch the scene. If the observer sees your hands flailing or your feet 'staggering,' have the observer call out 'eye contact -- eye contact' to remind you. The observer will not need actually to see your eyes - he will be able to tell the moment you start dancing the Tarantella instead of just plain talking to the fellow actor standing before you. ~ J. A.

Truly Free Original Audition Monologues for Actors