Queen [And King] For A Day

[Adult Female, any age. The pauses indicated should be very quick. The child is just asking one or two word questions throughout. Also - please use your imagination. By that I mean: Think of the character of "Ugly Betty's" older sister in the current television show. She speaks very quickly and with a combination of a Spanish/New York City accent. Such an accent and general character presence would be perfect for this monologue. Additionally - the character played by Marisa Tomei [sp?] in "My Cousin Vinny" would present a good image to keep in mind when performing this monologue.]

That’s it, boys and girls, the Plainville Elementary School Cafeteria is now officially closed for the summer!

[starts to set about clean-up and realizes an elementary school girl has come up beside her.]

Oh - Kathy, hon,’ I hope you have a great summer vacation.

[pause]

What? -- Where do I go? Well – you know my husband – Jack? [nods] – yup ‘Jack the Janitor’– well – every summer we spend two weeks at this – like - gigantic old southern mansion that’s been made into a hotel.

Ohhh…it’s something, I tell you. It’s somethin’. We get room service with breakfast in bed –

[pause]

Y’uh really – right in the bed…

An’ we got people who bring us snacks an’ drinks at the pool and they say “Yes, sir an' no sir – and Yes ma’am, an’ thank you ma’am… Oh – and I tell y’uh -- they have this fancy restaurant with waiters in – like - tuxedos--

[quick pause/smile]

Yup – like penguins - yup – and they have this little sort of orchestra with violins playin’ every night – it’s just – it’s just beautiful.

[quick pause]

Oh yeah! Every night we get all dressed up….I bring every dress I got and Jack brings his two suits…an’ I tell y’uh – there’s this huge old staircase – [points] as wide as that table over there, that goes down into the dinin’ room…Yup, an’, when we’re standin’ at the top of them stairs – I feel like I’m the queen and Jack’s my king.

And all them people in the restaurant – well – it’s like their our subjects in the kingdom, y’uh know?

[pause]

Huh? Oh no…no, we don’t have any friends there – I mean – no one else from here goes there, if that’s what you mean. An’ that’s the way we want it…y’uh know?

[quick pause]

Why? Well – let’s jus’ say – every king and queen has gotta keep some secrets or their subjects will lose respect for ‘em – right?

I mean, if our ‘subjects’ knew about our day jobs, it might – y'uh know – ‘disillusion’ them.

[quick pause]

What? Well – let’s put it this way….sometimes keepin’ secrets isn’t a bad thing. Like – when we come down those stairs, no one knows that they’re lookin’ at the Plainville janitor an' the cafeteria lady – an’ it’s better that way….

[quick pause]

Why? Well - it’s sorta like you --- just now. If you knew I was a queen wouldn’t you have to treat me different? Right.. [a little laugh].

So, even though you know I’m a queen part of the year – I’ll always be Gladys to you…..And...to folks the at the hotel? Well...I’ll always be the queen – Jack’ll be the king an’…to my way of thinkin’ .. that makes the world just right.

"The Bovine," a poetry reading by Farmer Peggy Ellen Poe

[A farmer's wife delivers a poetry reading. Age: Young to old adult female. Style: Think Ruth Gordon in 'Every Which Way But Loose." But again - use your imagination - you can drop the introductory speech. You can forget about the Ruth Gordon suggestion. For instance: Then the poem could be delivered using an upper-class British dialect. It can be done by either male or female. The version broadcast years ago on the Comedy Channel involved me playing an American farmer who delivered the monologue as an 'editorial rebuttal' and it was performed with a British accent.]

I heared the Federal boys comissioned some nineteen million dollars for to study on about how to stop my cows an' yours from making flat-you-lence. [flatulence] Yeah, well - I'll talk to my cows 'bout that. But for them federal college boys I'd like t' offer an opposing eddy-torial....An' - since they'se so all high and mighty what with their college ways - well - here's ma' reply in lang'age they'll all unnerstand -- [Clears throat - pauses briefly to indicate the title is coming - and then says -]

"The Bovine," by Farmer Gal Peggy Ellen Poe.

Once upon my milk farm – (dairy) - as I looked quite drawn and wary,
Over many a piece of federal mailings that had come unto my door –
While I nodded nearly napping
Suddenly I saw a wrapping
Round a letter was a wrapping lying neatly on my floor
‘T’is some junk mail,’ so I muttered, ‘- junk mail on my farm house floor
Only this and nothing more.

I picked up this junk mail sitting near my bag filled with my knitting
And proceeded to unwrap it when my jaw fell to the floor
In the flier was a bill passed
By the fed’s to study cows’ gas
‘Cuz it warmed the sky and melted ice that flooded our low shores -
Yes! It warmed the skies and melted ice that flooded our low shores.
Said the feds: Pass gas no more!

And I felt my heart a’ thumping just to think of my cows pumping –
Belching methane gas, enough to heat the air and cloud the sky!
And the thought that thermal heating
came from gas from grass they’re eating,
Was a thought that as a citizen I just could not ignore
But the thought of stopping methane posed a most unpleasant chore -
Yes – the thought of stopping methane posed a most unpleasant chore,
So - I started to read more


Yes, I read the farm bill closely ‘cuz my mind moves rather slowly,
When my eye was caught by something that my heart could not defend!
T’was the figure ‘nineteen million’
Made my color turn vermillion,
Had the congress finally lost its mind and gone around the bend?
Could the nineteen million truly be a figure they would spend?
Nineteen million be the dollars that our government would spend
Studying gas from cows rear ends?

Then the awful truth just hit me – what an imbecilic country
Spends that kind of money on a stupid project just like this?
And a rage just overtook me
As the sudden knowledge shook me -
“T’is not true!” I shouted as I raised my hand and clenched a fist –
‘T’is a joke that they are making - surely something I have missed -
T’is a sick joke they are making surely I don’t get the gist –
Surely - something I have missed.”

Then I heard a gentle tapping - at my window came a rapping -
T’was an agent from the EPA just begging to come in.
Through the portal came this mortal
Letting out a little chortle
Then he took a seat, removed his hat, and flashed an evil grin.
“Now what sends you here to see me?” I did quietly implore,
“Now what brings you here to bother me and come unto my door?”
He just grinned – and nothing more.

Soon he spoke and said the millions, spent to get thoughts and opinions,
Had resulted in a program that was guaranteed to cease
All the cows from popping methane.
Sir said I, ‘You can not be sane -
For a way to stop a cow from passing gas cannot be done!”
Barked the man, “I’m not here joking! - Not here joking having fun!”
And he told me of his plan, his stupid plan as my head spun -
For his plan had left me stunned.

Then he took a cork and hammer and explained just how to ram her -
How to ram my Guernsey, Holsteins - and the others making gas.
“He said take this cork and hammer
And just delicately ram her,
And you’ll save the North Pole and Manhattan all in one fell hit.”
And I thought of all the millions, spent by guys just like this twit
To devise a plan with corks, and theories how they should be hit.
Said I to him? “That’s bullshit!"